BY TOMILOLA COCO ADEYEMO
Forget the Lagos dream and whatever it is that makes you relocate to Lagos in search of greener pastures, things get crazier here than any other Nigerian city you know.
Yes, the reasons for living in Lagos might seem like an endless list – from witnessing the beauty of the city (if you care about stuff like that), to career opportunities and the great social life.
But what nobody tells you is, just like a coin there are two sides to Lasgidi (it is what we social media savvy twenty-somethings call Lagos these days, deal with it).
And just like everything that has a beautiful side, Gidi (yeah, short form of Lasgidi. Brace yourselves it gets worse from here) has the ugly side to it too.
Here are ten reasons you’d almost lose your mind every day if you live in sin city… what? Yes not only Las Vegas that can be called that, Lasgidi gets a pass too!
I heard about these guys before I moved to Lagos and whenever they were mentioned the devil emoji popped up in my mind.
Okay, maybe it is not 2011 anymore and they aren’t much of a menace any longer but once upon a time ehn, these guys drove you crazy through their ridiculous actions. I was once in the car with my friend, he was pulled over by a LASTMA official in CMS and was told to go and control traffic as punishment.
Yeah, that happened.
I would like to limit this menace to a particular part of the city but the truth is you could get traffic anywhere and anytime in Lagos.
In fact, you could wake up to traffic in your own bedroom.
And no, this is not your average “I can still keep my cool” traffic, this is the traffic that you can meet your future partner in, get married in, have children in and attend their graduation in.
It has the potential to determine the direction of your life… no, I’m serious.
So I don’t know the equivalent of these demons guys in the east or the north but if you grew up in the west, you automatically knew these guys were the devil.
You remember when I said LASTMA equals devil emoji? These guys equal hell.
You don’t want them to hit you, you don’t want to hit them, you don’t want to be near them, and you don’t want them to be near you.
A Danfo driver would hit you, say it is your fault and might even try to get away. And that is if he is not trying to drive on every lane at once as if his father owns it.
I have heard people mix agberos up with Danfo drivers but there is a huge difference between these guys.
See it like this, if Patience Ozokwor (while playing her regular character of the evil bitch) marries Pete Edochie (while playing his regular character of the cold hearted man) and they gave birth to twin boys, one would be Danfo driver and the other would be agbero.
Get it now? They are alike, share the same DNA but are not the same.
Agberos usually have uniforms, stand in front of moving commercial vehicles like they have their lives already photocopied and then put up their strongest James Bond behavior. They assume they’re invincible and believe they can “do and undo”.
See ehn, if you’ve taken plenty public transportation in your life like me I don’t need to explain further why these guys are on this list.
You see, every once in a while, the Pacific Ocean gets tired of its location and decides to relocate.
When this happens, it chooses a lot of places on the Island and a few places on the mainland. And yeah, this happens mostly during rainy season.
Aka the guys who like to reap where they didn’t sow. these guys basically hang up on you before picking your calls, are ever impatient with you and always believe they’re doing you a favor. And just before you think they can be like this anywhere, the ones in Lagos are of a different flavor. Believe me.
When you’re Nigerian, generator noise isn’t foreign. But when you’re a Lagosian, generator noise takes on a different style. It always seem like a battle, like some neighbors are in the generator Olympics and you better know how to sleep with lots of noise or else, one chance.
So basically, in Lagos, when you want to get a house on the Island the reasons cited for the high cost is always “Is it not Island?” as if that makes up for total lack of water, not so great electricity, flooded roads and dirty water when you finally find water.
But how can you complain, “Is it not Island?”
COST OF TRANSPORTATION
I am not sure what I am paying for when a thirty minute distance costs me over a hundred naira, in fact I am not sure there is a reasonable explanation. But in this city, I get to pay the most ridiculous amount for the shortest distance.
And shall we not begin with the obnoxious yellow cab drivers who act like they own Lagos?
THE TOTALLY UNNECESSARY HIKE IN FARES
In Lagos, your transport fare in the morning is not necessarily your transport fare in the evening.
It can be 100 in the morning and 300 in the evening. It is how the gods of transportation have declared it to be. Who are you to argue?
After all, you get the miracle of living in Gidi.