BY ‘SEGUN ODEJIMI
Genesis 9: 20-25; 28
20. And Noah established a brewery close to his house. He named the drink produced in the brewery NOARIJIN BITTERS. To some, it tasted like Hennessy mixed with Alomo. To others, it tasted like Monkey Tail carefully mixed with Kain-Kain.
21. And he drank nothing less than ten bottles daily. He would gather with his friends and drink and take pepper soup and talk about women and Toke Makinwa and Maje Ayida and about Linda Ikeji and about Big Brother Naija and about how no one knew the true story about Buhari’s vacation extension. This particular day, he drank about eighteen bottles of his beloved Noarijin bitters. It was the day Chelsea humiliated Arsenal at Stamford Bridge. Noah was so hurt about Arsenal’s defeat that he did not stop drinking, even when his friends had left and he began to feel drunk and say rubbish. He started to feel intense heat so he took off his agbada and boxers and slept off on the living room floor.
22. And one of Noah’s stubborn sons, a Yahoo boy – Ham, the father of Canaan saw that his father was wasted and took his nudes and sent it to their family WhatsApp group.
23. But Shem and Japheth, two of Noah’s quite reasonable sons took a cover cloth and went backward, and covered the nakedness of their father; and their faces were backward, and they didn’t see their father’s nakedness.
24. The next morning, Noah work up with a banging hangover. He picked up his phone and saw that he was trending on Twitter under the hashtag #IStandWithDrunkNoah. Of course, he was miffed. He knew only Ham could have done it.
25. And he said Canaan will not make it in life. “O ma je akobata f’egbe!,” he cursed in Yoruba. Loosely translated, it means that he will be a servant to his brothers.
28. And Noah lived for three hundred and fifty years after the Tsunami. And he was nine hundred and fifty years old when he died. He was buried at Atan Cemetery.
This is the first in the 21st Century Bible Reading series.