BY IFE OLUJUYIGBE
Deyemi Okanlawon is Fred the blogger in Blogger’s Wife by Seun Oloketuyi. Ijeoma Grace Agu is Bola, his wife. Sadly, even the filmmakers would rather acknowledge her as ‘Fred Wife’ in the credits than her name, but I am getting ahead of myself.
Yes, so Fred is a blogger who for the entire time the movie is on doesn’t do any visible blogging. When his laptop is (mistakenly) shown, what we see is the screenplay for the movie. The only thing that seems like a story here is the fact that Bola was raped three weeks to her wedding but refused to tell her husband. They get married, and one year into their marriage, they still haven’t had sex. One night, Fred gets frustrated and rapes his wife. She leaves him the next morning amidst his pleas and tears and explanations. Then a few weeks later, she returns and they make up. The end. It is at this point you ask yourself what the hell it is you just watched.
From the first scene that spans almost five minutes and is just a long stretch of inaudible phone calls, the movie refuses to begin. Halfway down the movie, it still refuses to begin. We just watch the boring everyday life of a man and his wife who want to have something doing but don’t. When Ruth, Bola’s sister comes into the story, we become hopeful, perhaps something good is about to happen. Alas, it’s just another waste of space and time. We see she is into porn, but how does that help the story?
Adeniyi Johnson is Ike, Fred’s business partner. You don’t exactly see the point of his character in this film, Blogger’s Wife. He discusses some abstract blog business, girls (and tries to be funny doing this), and then tells his friend to stop drinking when his wife leaves him. And talking about useless friend roles, so there is a character, Mimi, who wants to kill herself because her nudes have been leaked. And so she has friends who just sit around all day and tell her, in mostly silly alien accents, not to kill herself. One of them even says, “Are you insin (insane)?” Another says “Let me cut down the chase”. Sigh.
Talking of fake accents, please who is this lady who claims she is from the UK but speaks like she just returned from the village? The characters in this film do too much. And what with the awful hair almost all the characters carry? And the makeup that looks like something from the nineties?
The sound is terrible. It follows a pattern of highs and lows and buzzes in the middle. The soundtrack goes on for forever and is perhaps the most uncreative I ever heard. The camera is shaky, the picture quality is weak, the lighting is poor; sometimes it is sharp in your face so much you have to squint or shut your eyes altogether. Gbenga Adeyinka, Segun Arinze and Adunni Ade were absolutely useless in this film. It seemed like the filmmaker begged them to make an appearance so the movie can make it to the cinemas. With their one-scene roles, they managed to make Blogger’s Wife sillier than it ordinarily should be. Ijeoma Agu is beginning to experience a monotony of roles bothering on prostitution, abuse and rape. It is tiring. Her acting in this film too is tiring, disappointing, like someone stole her bread.
It isn’t enough that there is a Lagos plan view preceding every scene, there doesn’t seem to be an exact script to this film as well, and everyone just speaks their minds, sometimes repetitively. The credits finally roll, and just when we thought this film couldn’t get any worse, some of the credits were written in small letter! Wawu! The filmmakers aren’t only careless, they are also extremely lazy, too lazy to properly type, or even name their characters. So you find names like: Fred Wife (not even Fred’s), Fred friend, Crying Woman friend one, friend two… These people clearly had names in the movie, what is wrong with these people? And to crown it all, we find that in spite of the horrible makeup everyone seems to have on, this film has three makeup artistes. Okay, I’m done.
Please, do not see this disgrace of a film. Blogger’s Wife is appalling and unpalatable and a complete waste of time and money.