My third boyfriend, he is young at heart; a young at heart 60 something year old.
He likes it when I call him bae and he even likes skinny jeans.
You people think RMD is the only fine grandpa there is inside this country. Abegi, my boyfriend is very fine. I would have shared photo but I don’t trust all these thirsty hoes.
So all I share is his ankle, and little finger, and knee caps. Even his thumb I can’t share because you know thumb is like signature (thumbprint hello???), it is peculiar abeg.
Argue with your ancestors if you want, I know what I am saying.
Anyway, since I have been engaged for a while now and I know I am not marrying soon, I came to greet my boyfriend.
Oh please, don’t judge me, he likes it when I call him boyfriend not Sugar Daddy. Like I said, he is young at heart.
Anyway, after different chandelier styles and titanic moves, I laid on his chubby laps which are stuffed in his distressed pencil jeans.
And no, it is not a pretty sight. Be thankful for things which you do not see, my people.
“You want to go to Dubai bebe? Because I just feel like sending you to Dubai”
Do I feel like going to Dubai? Do I feel like going to Dubai? Is this one even alright?
“I will think about it”
I have already thought about it and I feel like going, but shakara has to be made.
“Okay, I will send you there for breakfast next week”
It should be noted that I danced salsa, etighi, azonto, shakiti bobo and skelewu in my head. But in my body, I just smile.
“And you will go and eat lunch in UK…”
His phone rings before he gets to finish his sentence and just as he gets off the phone in his high pitched voice, he says, “I’m in VI”
Until the moment his call ends, I have been seeing myself in different places in Dubai and UK. How do I know he would send me for real? Because I snatched him from another upcoming actress who has been upcoming for ten years.
So he has passed the litmus (read ability to spend like a muphucka) test.
“Ehen, as I was saying, you will eat lunch in Ukraine”
My heart stops beating for a while.
“Ukraine? Biko, what is that?”
“Hian, bebe, you don’t know Ukraine…”
“Please I don’t know Ukraine o, I don’t want to know. I want to know UK. The only UK I know is United Kingdom”
What type of joke is that? That’s how someone took me to Cotonou the other day and said we were traveling out.
Better for someone to nip it in the bud abeg.
“Bebe, don’t be angry na.” he starts to place kisses on my face and just then we hear a voice at the door.
And that is when my life turns to a Nollywood film and for the first time, I am starring as the lead.
My boyfriend number 2 that I have engaged myself to and that we did pre-wedding photos together walks in.
“Babe, what are you doing here?”
The first thing that pops into my head is what I say, “It’s my Daddy”
Fair enough, I call 60 year old bae, Daddy when we get down.
“Who is your Daddy?” both ask and please don’t blame me, I think of that in a very different way.
And maybe that is why I point my fingers at both of them at the same damn time.
“You” I say slowly.