Bomaventure: The Adventures Of A Nollywood Wakapass
“You have been cast as supporting lead in the movie…” Pause. “Hello?” another pause. “Hello, can you hear me?”
I blank out.
Let me explain.
Last week Aunty Claudette came to our house.
I ran to my mother’s two bedroom apartment in Ebute Meta when I got into trouble with sugar daddy and my fiancé dumped me.
I told my mother I had a chronic case of malaria.
So she let me stay in the house for a week. We haven’t been friends since I refused to get another job asides this acting that won’t pay off already.
So while I was sleeping one morning, Aunty Claudette came.
“Boma, ees your Aunty… Aunty Claudette” Pronounced: ‘Cloud-eight’
Don’t ask me why, but that is how she has been pronouncing the name since when I was small. She also likes to wear wrong foundation for her skin tone and wears only bright red lipstick.
One time like that, my mother bought her the right foundation for her skin tone and she told my mother she cannot know her skin more than her.
Anyway, as I was saying. Aunty Claudette peeped into my room while chewing gum loudly and said “They said your life is still the same”
I refuse to answer, hoping she would go away.
After a while, I hear the door close. Convinced she’s gone, I reach for my phone.
“Ehen, I know you will wake up na”
That is when I realize she only shut the door to throw me off. Sitting near me on the bed, she continues to talk. Note: Aunty Claudette does not care if you reply as long as she’s talking.
“Your life is still like bad road mixed with stagnant water. Eish! You better do something about it. I will take you to Don Jazzy”
I frown “Hmm?”
“Don Jazzy… your life will never remain the same”
So we went to Don Jazzy.
Ugh, you think it’s that one that sings? This one is the real one because he is the Don with the Jazz.
Actually Don Jazzy stole the name from him… that’s what he said.
We went and had our bath inside the Ocean… sorry, I went to have my bath inside the ocean at night and he was ogling my breasts.
Of course I gave him bad eye.
After I left sha, I went for audition. It is a big film; the Producers came from America.
And Aunty Claudette was right, my life is about to change.
Because that call I just got, it was from those Producers.
“Oh my gosh! Thank you!” I scream on the phone and the caller tells me to come in for some things but it is all lost on me.
So, I Bomaventure can hammer this way?
I update my Twitter immediately – Totally Jazzified!
And I am on the cloud until Aunty Cloud-ate calls me.
“Aunty Claudette, you can’t believe it! it worked! The Don Jazzy thing worked!”
She blows out gum and chews loudly from the other end of the line.
FYI, Aunty Claudette used to work shift on Allen Avenue. She got transferred to Lagos Island by herself when she fought her Pimp but that’s story for another day.
“Ees your Aunty Cloud-ate…”
“I know na” I am overwhelmed with joy
“Don Jazzy said you should come back for another ceremony next week, make e donjazzyfy you… e say both of una must culmulate.”
“Huh?” I’m confused
“I say culmulate! Culmulation abi wetin una dey call am for dere”
“Aunty Claudette, I don’t understand…”
“For the jazz to finish work, you must er… er… do together like bread and butter…”
I gasp. As it slowly occurs to me what Aunty Claudette means by ‘culmulate’
“Lailia! What nonsense! God forbid!!” I am extremely pissed. No wonder the man was ogling my breasts like grapefruits the other day.
“Okay nau. Wait there and be speaking English. When everything disappear you will feel alright”
Then she hangs up. I stare at my phone long and hard…
I have the biggest job in my career and the international exposure at my fingertips, question is, to be donjazzified or not?