BY ‘SEGUN ODEJIMI
I know I am beginning to develop a reputation of a regular ranter here. Even my virtual girlfriend thinks I rant, rather than groan, whenever we are under the virtual sheets.
Don’t blame me. Blame APC. or PDP… whichever of them you dislike the more. There are a million and one things to rant about in Nigeria, and Nollywood. Well, in fairness, there’s also a lot to commend in Nollywood. Like aunty Mo Abudu and co appearing from the heavens to SELL tickets of Fifty to their fans. How life-saving! *swoons*
However, in the spirit of the season, I will not be visiting my paranoia on anyone today. I am just going to do some fooling around, a bit, with this loose adaptation* of a short piece by a friend of mine, Kola.
LAGOS. MONDAY MORNING. IN A DANFO.
JASPER: Abeg, who dey sing Awilo?
PASSENGER 1: [chuckles] Awilo Logomba?
JASPER: [raises voice] I say who dey sing?! Who dey mime dat Awilosong?
WOMAN: Bros, nobody dey sing. Or shey na dat baba wey dey snore close to the window U dey talk?
JASPER: Driver, abeg off dat radio… e too loud.
DRIVER: Radio? You get ebola? Abi na for wia U dey hear radio? Abeg my people, I on radio?
PASSENGERS: No oh!
JASPER: Who come dey sing? Make the person talk now o, or I go tell dat Oga LASTMA wey dey pass traffic. [pause] Haaaa… abeg make una no vex. Sorry. I don forget. Na the expired claro wey Danger give me wan turn my head. And I don tell am say I no like expired claro. Anytime wey I smoke the tin, na so so Project Fame dem go dey do inside my head. And I warn Danger say if him continue, I go report am to Skibii…
MAN: Bros, which Skibii? The one wey don die? Or the one wey no die?
JASPER: Skibii don die? [laughs] Na lie jor. Today no be April fool. The person wey I still see for my dream on Saturday night. [A few passengers shake their heads] Make una wait! I say wait!!! [Everybody is silent. They stare at him]
WOMAN: God have mercy! How person go dey smoke for early momo on Monday?
JASPER: Dem no teach you about breakfast for school? Abi U be disliterate?
WOMAN II: Hahahahaha… na misliterate dis one dey call disliterate! HAHAHAHAHA!!!
JASPER: Na me dis woman dey take laugh? Dem never use bottle shave your bear bear before?
WOMAN II: Bear bear? I be woman o! [Laughs even harder]
JASPER: Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee…. Dis song too loud!!! Abeg who get earpiece?
ME: Bros, abeg you too dey shout.
JASPER: Who talk? Wait! So na man siddon for dia since? Me I think say na the driver carry him baby put for him side. Why U come short like water bottle like dis? Your papa na Akin and Paw Paw?
ME: Akin and Paw Paw ko, Agbaje and Agbalumo ni!
JASPER: ABEG WHERE THE REMOTE? MY HEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*This was first published as a Facebook post.