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Dear Nollywood, Acting Is Important

BY ANDREW OKE

 

THE PRESIDENT OF NOLLYWOOD
No 1 Karashika Lane,
Off Igodo Street
Nollywood, Nigeria.

Attention: Omoni Oboli

Dear Nollywood,

ACTING IS IMPORTANT – OLAJUMOKE ORISAGUNA A.K.A. THE BREAD SELLER

Everyone likes a good old Cinderella story; especially Nigerians. The poor down trodden girl goes to the ball and finds her Prince Charming who takes her on vacation to Dubai, rents an apartment for her in Lekki and buys her a small white dog. It’s fucking beautiful. Which is why everyone, including yourself Mr. President, loved the story of Olajumoke Orisaguna; bread seller turned cover girl.

A tear rolls down my cheek with every time I think of Jumoke’s story and a lot of celebrities have encouraged and offered to help her, but Your Excellency, one of your subjects has taken things a bit too far. That person is Mrs. Omoni Oboli.

Mr. President, the above mentioned subject took to her instatweet page to offer Jumoke Orisaguna a small part in her new film. Not only that, she also enjoined a Toyin Aimakhu to offer her a Yoruba speaking role in a film. Her words were, and I quote, “I hear she wants to act in a Yoruba film, oya o, get on it!” Your Excellency, I find this very worrying, as Mrs. Oboli has chosen to ignore whether or not Jumoke Orisaguna can even fucking act.

I understand that a good thing has happened to Ms. Orisaguna, and I understand that like every good hearted human being, Mrs. Oboli wishes to profit off of her while she still has an opportunity to. God bless her. My problem is the fact that she wishes to do so without any regard for Nollywood as a whole. As we both know and as we discussed in our previous meetings, many people do not watch Nollywood movies in the cinema because they are not impressed by the quality of acting performances in general. If we have an industry where only about 30% of the actors are worth paying to watch, what would be the benefit of introducing one more shit actor to one more shit film.

Sir, excuse my French, but la gente está cansada. We are tired of paying money to watch actors on a screen who look like they don’t give two shits on a cracker. We are tired of tired performances by actresses with foreign accents and “fine boy” actors with six-packs and the collective personality & acting ability of a chair.

Mr. President, I therefore implore you to call Mrs. Omoni Oboli to order and have her retract her statement and/or instabook post. I do not believe there is any need for a sterner punishment as she probably wouldn’t know what a good acting performance was if she drowned in one. After all, the last two acting performances of Mrs. Omoni Oboli that I saw were in the films; The Duplex & As Crazy as it Gets. Both performances left a stench in my house that lingered for a two weeks and gave my dog cancer.

I hope to receive your reply as soon as possible, Sir.

Yours faithfully

Andrew Oke.

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