ME: Hey TBoss. What’s good?
TBOSS: Nothing much. It’s so good to be back in Nigeria.
ME: Yeah. And thank you for granting your first exclusive interview to TNS.
TBOSS: It’s your reputation. Nothing more.
ME: Okay. So, let’s start here. Why didn’t you show up at the event organised for BBNaija housemates? Efe, Bisola, TTT, Gifty and co were there.
TBOSS: It’s because of security reasons. Did you see how crowded that event was? My safety wasn’t guaranteed if I attended. That’s why I stayed away.
TBOSS: Yeah. You know I have a lot of haters now. Those who just hate me because of the colour of my skin.
ME: Hmmn. So have you read Reuben Abati’s description of your breasts?
TBOSS: Ru…what? Is he one of my exes? When did he see my breasts?
ME: First, Reuben Abati is a former presidential spokesperson. Secondly, remember you opened your breasts to the world in South Africa. Especially that time Kemen was washing it with the blood of Dionysus.
TBOSS: (laughs) What I opened in SA wasn’t my real breast. Do you think I would have shown the world my real breasts?
ME: So, your breasts have no piercings?
TBOSS: Well, they do. But they are occupied by studs, not the big ring you people saw on TV. But Abati is mad for what he said. That he has seen better breasts? God will punish him.
ME: (confused) But I thought you said you didn’t know Abati just now.
TBOSS: And is it not my remembrance? If, seconds later, I choose to remember who he is, how is that anyone’s business? Or you want to join the haters too?
ME: Nah. I’m just doing my job.
ME: Good. So, in the house, you said you did not need the 25 million. Maybe that’s why they gave it to Efe.
TBOSS: I don’t want to talk about that please.
ME: I just want to know. Do you need the money or not?
TBOSS: What if I do? Do you want to give me? (chuckles) You can’t even give me sef. I didn’t see any jets on my way here.
ME: Erm… I wasn’t offering to give you. But let’s talk about your private jet suitors. Have they been coming since BBNaija ended?
TBOSS: Did you not see my photo with Tubaba?
ME: Well, I did. But he’s married. Even if he does want to, I don’t think Annie would allow him woo you. Last I checked, he also doesn’t own a private jet.
TBOSS: Did I say he was one of my suitors? I was only pointing out to you that that’s the level of people I roll with now. Since Sunday night, I have had at least 3 come my way. One even said he wanted to take me to cloud 9.
ME: Is that a place. I mean, a real place?
TBOSS: He said it’s somewhere outside Nigeria. So I can’t wait.
ME: So you’ve said yes?
ME: The proposal.
ME: But he’s taking you to “cloud 9”?
ME: Sorry. Let’s talk about your inability to recite the Nigerian national ant…
TBOSS: (cuts in) That was all part of the drama. I can sing it. Do you want me to sing it?
ME: No, don’t bother. But do you know that hurt your chances a lot? So you deliberately did that to ruin your chances?
TBOSS: Didn’t Kemen, in full glare of cameras, try to touch me? Didn’t he know it was ruining his chances? By the way, I already said I don’t need the money.
ME: So, what did you go into the house to do?
TBOSS: To live my life and expand Boss Nation. You know, Boss Nation is a thing now.
ME: Yeah. I saw placards with your name and Boss Nation on it on your arrival. What’s the plan with Boss Nation now?
TBOSS: To make it a real nation.
ME: Erm, I don’t get you.
TBOSS: There’s Nigeria, isn’t there?
ME: (nods, but confused)
TBOSS: So, we will make Boss Nation into a real nation. And of course, I will be the president.
ME: (stunned) You mean, you want to ceced?
TBOSS: Whatever you call it. (iPhone rings, BIG BROTHER appears on it) Hi, Big Brother…. I miss you too… Yeah, I got back yesterday… The reception for me was huuugee! (giggles then pauses) You say? … But do you have a private jet? … No? (countenance changes, hangs up iPhone) Nonsense!!!
TBOSS: Imagine Big Brother saying he wants to date me but he doesn’t have what it takes.
ME: (sits up curiously) I even want to know. Who is Big Brother sef?
TBOSS: Do you know Pa Ikhide?
If you think this interview with TBoss took place in any other place apart from my big head, Easter has just been postponed until October.