BY ‘SEGUN ODEJIMI
Last night, in front of millions of viewers around the world, Miracle emerged winner of Big Brother Naija 2018 at the expense of walking-trouble – Cee-C who finished the show as runner-up.
This morning, my lazy Nigerian phone rang and after momentarily thinking it was one of my WCWs finally wanting to tell me they crush on me too, I discovered it was a voice I had come to recognize on TV because of the question it started with: “Do you understand?”
ME: Hello, good morning. Who’s this, please?
CEE-C: Do you understand? They said Miracle is the winner! Ebuka said Miracle is the winner.
ME: [hesitating] Is this Cee-C?
CEE-C: What kind of question is that? Don’t you recognize my voice?
ME: But we’ve never spoken before.
CEE-C: And so? Haven’t you been watching me on TV?
ME: Erm, eskiss ma, I watch a lot of bad films just because my crush Nancy is in them but I don’t think I will know she’s the one on the line if she calls me now.
CEE-C: That’s Nancy. I’m Cee-C. Don’t you understand?
ME: On the way there, not yet.
CEE-C: As I was saying, how come Miracle had more votes than me? How can they say he won?
ME: Errr, I think you’re asking the wrong person those questions, Cee-C.
CEE-C: Is it because I tore their horrible-looking Payporte dress the other night? I mean why wouldn’t I have torn it. Did you see how horrible that dress looked? There is no way I wouldn’t have torn it. See the one the one they gave Nina. Even Alex’s own. It’s now the one they gave Cee-C that is horrible. BamBam too was fine. Do you understand?
CEE-C: It was fine! BamBam ‘s own was very fine. They should have given her that one. That’s what she deserves. The dresses should have been given accordingly to how you deserve it. Do you understand? You remember that my ex I said died few days after cheating on me? Ehen, that’s why I had to tear the dress.
ME: You mean you saw his face in the part you tore off?
CEE-C: Don’t you understand? That’s not what I am saying jo.
CEE-C: I knew Payporte, Ebuka, Big Brother and co didn’t want me to win. See the number of strikes Big Brother gave me in the house? Who does that?
ME: So, the strikes we’rent because of the things you did?
CEE-C: What did I do? Even Khloe, that thin thing was brought back into the house. Khloe that cannot even cook good food. There’s always too much salt in her food.
CEE-C: Yeah. I didn’t even know why they brought her back. Now that they have given Miracle the 45 million, they are happy. All of them. See when Ebuka called me out, they people were shouting my name but they still called Miracle as the winner.
ME: But do you know most of us watching were shocked that you even pulled more votes than Tobi. I know a lot of people who would have protested in Abuja had you won.
ME: They say because of your attitude.
CEE-C: What stupid attitude are you people talking about? That’s how on Twitter people were shouting that my attitude is bad and that I need therapy after Big Brother Naija. Do you people have sense like this? Don’t you understand?
ME: Oh, it was a strategy?
CEE-C: What stupid strategy? [hisses] Is it not BamBam that was doing strategy up and down? What ended her? Do you understand? I’m not the kind of person that will be carrying strategy everywhere. This is the real me.
ME: [whsipers] So you naturally don’t have sense?
CEE-C: What? I can’t hear you well.
ME: Nothing, never mind. Can I ask you about Tobi?
CEE-C: What about him?
ME: Do you have feelings for him?
CEE-C: Don’t you understand?
ME: Make me.
CEE-C: Tobi is childish. Too childish. Besides I have a boyfriend.
ME: Really? [whispers] Who is that unfortunate soul? Bless him.
CEE-C: I think this South Africa network is bad like Nigeria’s own. I can’t hear you well.
ME: [chuckles] Can you hear me now?
CEE-C: Yes. And me and my boyfriend were in the house together but nobody knew.
ME: Ahdonbelieveit! Abeg tell us.
If you believe this conversation occurred anywhere apart from the writer’s head, FIFA has just awarded Nigeria the 2018 world cup title after disqualifying the other thirty-one nations for corruption in their respective countries.