BY ‘SEGUN ODEJIMI
Yesterday, TNS published an exclusive about how TV girl, Toke Makinwa had reportedly been stalking British-Nigerian Hollywood star John Boyega since he arrived Nigeria for holiday last December.
Before that, Toke had narrated on her Instagram how she was assaulted at a Lagos restaurant by the actor’s security detail.
This morning, I put a call through to the “On Becoming” author – in my head – and below is our conversation.
– Hi Toke. My name is ‘Segun Odejimi. I am almost certain you have never heard about me. I am not a Hollywood star, neither do I manufacture make-up. I’m just someone who wants to know if it is true that you have stalked John Boyega since he arrived Nigeria.
– Yes I have.
– Yes you have heard about me or yes you have stalked John Boyega?
– Yes I have been going where John Boyega has been going.
– Have you seen that guy?
– No. Not personally. In Star Wars and all the rest of it, yes.
– Dude is cute. He has a British accent and he is single like me.
– Erm, but you are definitely older.
– So? Isn’t Juliet Ibrahim older than Iceberg Slim?
– Haha! So you wanted John to notice you?
– Yes. He came to Nigeria to find a wife while holidaying. I wanted to make his search much easier.
– But people around him say you were stalking him even though at each event or place, he didn’t even give you “face”.
– I wasn’t stalking him. I was only shooting my shot. In fact, what if I stalked him? When did it become a crime to try and shoot shot? Besides, he was going to notice me at Crossroads before his guard came to embarrass me.
– Oh… that’s why you were so angry and wrote that epistle on your Instagram page?
– If it were you, wouldn’t you be angry if one idiot just came to spoil your shine at quarter to your victory hour.
– It’s true sha. If my phone as much as rings when I’m about to meet Nancy Isime, I will break it and feed it to the dogs.
– Ehen, you see! We are all humans, ‘Segun. I don’t care what the haters say. If they like, let them say what I am doing is unbecoming, it doesn’t matter to me. If I can bleach my skin just to satisfy my ex-husband, then you should know that I am a woman who goes all out to achieve her goals.
– [mutters] Oshey! Èèyàn Omoni Oboli.
– What? Didn’t hear that.
– It was nothing jare. So now that the Crossroads option has failed, what next are you going to do?
– Shebi he is still around. Watch me.
If you believe this conversation is real, 2018 is the year you become the US president. Just type AMEN in the comments section.