BY ‘SEGUN ODEJIMI
Some people are still in shock. Some are just waking from the coma they have been since yesterday. Some people are still wiping their tears with boxes of tissue paper.
Some have been fighting on social media.
“How can Linda be so sly?”
“Wasn’t she the one talking about celibacy and how bad sex before marriage was?”
“Ntoor! Shebi when she said celibacy, all of you were screaming ‘LOUDER!'”
But as a man always love to hear the other side of the story, I got on the phone with popular blogger and entrepreneur, Linda Ikeji, to ask her when celibate people started getting pregnant.
Our exchange, in my head, is below.
ME: Hi Linda! Congratulations!
LINDA: Thank you! Who’s this?
ME: I’m called ‘Segun Odejimi. I work with TNS.
LINDA: Oh hi, Segun! Been hearing about you. Good to finally hear from you. How are you?
ME: I’m great. How’s the baby?
LINDA: [excitedly] Oh, he’s fine. You know he’s a he right?
ME: Of course. Gbenga Adeyinka mentioned it last night.
LINDA: Oh…you guys were together?
ME: Well, technically. He was in my TV box hosting Ali Baba’s night show. I was in my house watching it.
ME: Anyways, let’s cut to the chase. Why I called you.
LINDA: Oh OK. Please shoot.
ME: A lot of your younger sisters are screaming on social media. They say you are a snitch and a sly.
ME: They say you preach about how young women should be celibate, talk about how you don’t enjoy sex. But here you are. Pregnant. There are a lot of angry birds…sorry, women on the streets of social media.
LINDA: Hahaha!!! They will be alright. But the truth is I’m still celibate.
LINDA: I know it will come as a shock too but that is the truth. I didn’t have sex. I’m still celibate. What I had was artificial insemination.
ME: Ahdonbelieveit! So you mean to tell me what you had was transmission transmission?
LINDA: [laughs] Why are you mocking our IG nah.
ME: Couldn’t help myself o jare. And what you said couldn’t help me either.
LINDA: I know it’s hard to believe. But it’s also not too hard to believe either. Afterall, I am Linda Ikeji and I should be able to afford an insemination.
ME: Of course you should.
ME: So you still don’t do the erm thing?
LINDA: Not at all. I told my man we wouldn’t and he agreed.
LINDA: I was serious when I said I don’t enjoy sex. I don’t see what people see in it. It’s boooring.
ME: Sex is boring? [mutters] Aiye ma nika o!
LINDA: You say?
ME: Never mind.
LINDA: I think sex is overrated. My man thinks the same too. More reason why I love him. And because of that, I don’t have a reason to not trust him or think he would go and sleep with other women. He’s the perfect man.
ME: [almost silently] Won ti paro fun aunty yi o! Oluwa o. [loudly] Perfect man you say?
LINDA: Yeah. He’s such the perfect guy. And that’s why I’m so excited to be having this child with him. He’s not a gold digger.
ME: Of course. I doubt he owns a shovel sef. But, wait, Linda, who is this man? Is he someone we know?
LINDA: Of course. You all know him.
ME: Pray tell. Who?
LINDA: He’s been there all along. But a lot of you thought he was joking.
ME: And it get’s more interesting.
LINDA: Don Jazzy.
If you believe this exchange took place anywhere outside my afro-covered head, Prince Harry and Meghan Markle are having their honeymoon in Yobe.