BY ‘SEGUN ODEJIMI
#BAAD2017 is still trending. But this time, it isn’t because of an Ebuka‘s agbada or a Masterkraft agbada-let. Neither is it trending because of a kiss. Nah. It’s because of an “inadvertent” “nude” of Adesua Etomi posted by her husband, Banky W.
Now, if you have not seen the image or video, I cannot epp you.
What I can help you with, however, is a conversation with Adesua Etomi AKA Susu I had IN MY HEAD.
[My phone rings. It isn’t a familiar number. It looks like a South African number. I think it is a long lost cousin who wishes to send me dollars since Christmas is coming, so I pick]
[It’s a female voice so it must be a niece then.]
Yeah, this Segun. Who is he speaking to?
It’s me, Adesua.
Hey Susu… What’s up? Oh, you read my previous In My Head episode? See I must assure you I was just kidding. There’s no way you…
That’s not why I am calling you jor.
Why are you calling then?
I want to report Banky W to you.
Report who? Banky? Do I look like his parents or Tunde Demuren? Are you sure you know who you’re speaking to? Besides you guys have only been married for two hours. Sorry, less than three days and you’re already looking for who to report him to?
I know it’s you Segun. I wanted to call you. I need you to help me tell the world that if I leave him tomorrow, they shouldn’t blame me.
Ah! Leave kẹ? You people have not even made back the money you spent on your wedding party. Masterkraft hasn’t even come out of hiding after the hiding Nigerians gave him for his attire to your wedding and you’re already saying this!
I’m serious! Have you seen it?
What? Your nude… Sorry, the zebras?
Yes. That silly video that big head I call my husband made.
Yeah I saw it. But I don’t think it was intentional.
That’s what you think too, Șẹgun? Was he blind? Didn’t he see that I was naked in the background?
Erm you weren’t exactly naked, Susu. You were putting on your katapault. Sorry. I mean g-string.
[Adesua begins to sob] I have been carefully ensuring that I don’t go nude even when I act and he just showed the whole world my nude just like that. For free!
Don’t mind him. Shouldn’t he have learnt a thing or two from Bobrisky?
[Sob becomes louder, Adesua screams now] This is not funny Segun. Anyway, I just wanted you to help me tell the world that if I leave him tomorrow, nobody should blame me. Is this how we are starting off?
I think it is too extreme to say you want to leave him. I know Kunle Remi is patiently waiting for you but… it’s too early, Adesua.
I have said my own. And to think that I ignored Drake’s DM for this guy. Even with his big head.
[Adesua continues sobbing as phone line breaks off.]
PLEASE IF YOU BELIEVE THIS CONVERSATION ACTUALLY TOOK PLACE, PLEASE RAISE YOUR HAND SO THAT ROCHAS OKOROCHA CAN ERECT A STATUE OF YOU.