BY SEGUN ODEJIMI
Last week, I embarked on my self-funded and totally unselfish journey to taking Nigerians out of poverty. And unlike a certain president, I am actually walking the talk.
You’re welcome, don’t mention.
I gave out 5 sure ways to becoming the biggest thing in Nollywood within the next five years and people haven’t stopped falling at my feet, kissing them and wiping them with their hair whenever I leave the house. This week, alongside my review of Funke Akindele‘s new series – Aiyetoro Town, I am giving tips to becoming the greatest director Nollywood has ever seen.
So, if you want to become the best this industry has seen, grab a chair.
1. Go and buy a face cap.
What? You thought these tips would say: Go and extract the juice from the eye of a mosquito? Nah. I’m not a babaláwo from a Yoruba feem. Just go and get face caps. No particular quality required. Whatever your pocket can afford. Go for it. But buy several. You don’t want to be seen wearing one face cap all through the year.
And oh, sorry. Why did I ask you to buy a face cap? Because, name 10 great Nollywood directors who don’t don a cap when they’re directing? Go on. I’m waiting. You see? I’m a genius.
2. Form busy over the phone almost every time.
Who wants to employ a director who doesn’t have anything to do? Always form busy maifren! When someone calls you over the phone, never pick the first time. Don’t pick the second time too. If you can handle the guilt sef, ignore the caller for about 12 hours. Then text back apologising, stating you’ve been busy working and ask what they want from you.
Same goes for messages too. Especially WhatsApp. Enable the read receipts notification, leave messages on read for at least 12 hours. Never seem unbusy. It is dangerous for your brand.
3. Update all your social media bios, add “award-winning director” in there, somewhere.
It doesn’t matter that you’ve never even won even a keyholder in all your life, find space for “award-winning director” on all your social media bios. Have you ever submitted your work for any film festival that held in any part of the planet (even Ajegunle or Mushin)? Good! Put the name of the festival on your bio too. We don’t care whether the work was accepted for the festival or not. Just put the names there. If you can update it, you can achieve it!
4. Attend all the red carpets and premieres.
Yep, this one is always important. It doesn’t matter what you want from Nollywood. Even if you want to become a production messenger. Just attend all red carpets and premieres. And no, this is not because I think it is important to watch movies since you’re going to be making them too. This is because you need to take pictures with every celeb on earth. Do whatever it takes to have these successful people pose for you. Beg, pull, scream, cry, sulk, threaten – anything.
5. Regularly sew threads on Twitter
It doesn’t matter if what you’re saying makes sense or not just go ahead and sew away. There’s a certain clout that comes with sewing threads on Twitter. Make it a habit to make threads at least once every week. No, I am not talking about you making a thread about that girl that broke your heart and want with the guy with the white Benz. The threads should have something to do with Nollywood. Pick whatever topic. Or call out Nollywood people. Just don’t mention their names, erm…for obvious reasons.