BY ‘SEGUN ODEJIMI
Many people ask me how they can make it in Nollywood. Many times I am asked, “Do you have a plug in Nollywood? I want to be ____ (fill in the gap with any of the mini-professions in the industry).”
Almost all of the time, I tell them I don’t have any plug. Or that the plugs I have place premium on talent, character, emotional intelligence and hard work. That all they need to do is learn, read about what they want to be, polish their skill set, and sniff everywhere for opportunities. I tell them talent + hard work + luck will almost always get them to where they want to be.
Now, I regret ever telling them that. I was insincere. I apologise to everyone I have said that to. You deserved much more. I should have told you the truth. I am ashamed of myself.
But it is never too late to make amends. And that is why I have read extensively, conversed with legends, gathered, crunched and studied tons of data before finally coming up with these five sure-fire steps to making it big (and when I say big, I mean BIG) in Nollywood within five years.
If these tricks do not propel you to unprecedented Nollywood greatness by June 2024, simply read this post again. Slowly this time. And practice these tricks meticulously. It was YOUR fault you didn’t get it the first time.
- Be a coward.
Forget that absolute rubbish about being brave. Be a coward. You cannot make it in Nollywood by being brave or speaking the truth. Nobody is watching or listening. Besides, who told you YOUR truth is THE truth?
2. Lick as many asses as you can
Young human, get on your knees now. Start licking ass. Any ass that needs licking on your way to becoming great, please lick it. Some asses are not sweet. Don’t despair. lick. Some asses stink, get a face mask or something. lick. Lick anything lickable. Ass majorly. Smile to them to their faces and speak greatly of them when they or a mutual friend is present. Whatever you do when they are not there is your wàhálà. But when they are there, get on your knees and lick their asses clean.
3. Use what you have to get what you want.
See ehn, don’t let anybody tell you shit. You own your body. If spreading your body on every hotel bed in Lagos is what it takes, please, by all means, become a bed sheet and spread. If poking all the walking holes in Lekki is what is demanded of you, poke away. Poke more than that annoying friend on Facebook who has just discovered the poke button. After all, what shall it profit a man to keep your body and not make it big?
4. Do away with every critic or criticism.
If you can even clap back, more points for your stardom quest. After all, what do those cunts who call themselves critics know? If they really know how it should be done, why haven’t they done it? Rather they sit behind their laptops and mobile phones and question you who has done it. Critics are viruses in society. Do to them what you would do to a virus.
5. Only be seen on red carpets.
Never, I repeat – never be found at workshops, seminars or discussions that have the unfortunate tendencies of moving the industry forward. Who cares whether the industry progresses! As long as credit alerts are entering your phone, fuck everyone and everything else. It doesn’t matter whether you have to borrow clothes for your red carpet appearances, just be sure you are found on them, waving to uninterested fans and smiling for the cameras regardless of whether they are focused on you or not. After the red carpets are over, grab your grabbables and head back home. Don’t attend whatever event the red carpet was for. We don’t care. Neither should you.
***Happy Father’s Day to the deserving dads and to my father who’s busy cracking jokes in heaven.